Today I took a walk with a single-mom friend who has recently taken on a full time job. Her 10-year-old son gets home from school at 3:30 p.m.; she arrives home with his younger brother about an hour later.
I asked her if he was okay with being alone for that hour. She answered that he was ‘too’ okay with it.
“What does that mean, ‘too’ okay?” I asked.
“It means he loves being at the house by himself.”
“But that’s good, no?”
“Well, he doesn’t do anything. Doesn’t do his chores, he doesn’t do homework. Nothing gets done for that whole hour.”
I pause in amazement at her response. Now, this is a woman who is smart, beautiful, loving, and good. I know she doesn’t mean what she’s saying.
“You are kidding me, aren’t you?” I ask.
By her puzzled expression I see she is not.
And so I launch (and hope she forgives me):
Oh, parents! Your children need downtime. They need to be alone, without the pressure of teachers, friends, parents, grandparents, always telling them what to do, and scheduling every hour of their day – whether it’s for chores or for play. “Doing nothing,” as Christopher Robin told Winnie the Pooh so profoundly, is the absolutely most important part of a child’s growing years. This is the time of simplicity, the empty plot of ground where seeds can be planted, the quiet between the notes of music, the magic of a sheet of paper before the colored crayon meets it… a child can’t grow without quiet, unscheduled, dreamy, nothing-time. Well, of course they’ll grow, but not without cost.
My friend at once intuits the truth of the importance of downtime, but now she finds it hard to backtrack. I sense there have already been several battles with her son refusing to meet her expectations of what he should do when he’s alone at home.
So, this is what I suggest to her: “Make it a rule that he has to do nothing. You like rules, and you want him to know you’re in charge and in control. And he likes boundaries too. So tell him the rule is he cannot do homework or any chores for that hour after he comes home and before you arrive. He also can’t watch television or play video games. Most importantly, don’t ask him what he did during that hour. Give him the respect of leaving his dreams private: honor that empty-time, whatever use he makes of it. Even lying on a couch, staring at a ceiling, might mean more to him than you have any way of knowing.”
It’s not just children who need nothing-time. We all do. This is one of my favorite proverbs (originally from Spain): “How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards.” Take it seriously.
It actually makes me angry to see children as young as five being made to participate in “sports,” instead of being allowed to play games. When I was young– ok, when I was young, we had to be careful of the brontosaurs, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. When I was young, kids played games. We were left alone, and we made stuff up, and we got by. We didn’t really need to know the proper size of a baseball field, or how many people were on a side. We made it up as we needed it, and it worked just fine.
Now, we structure every moment of every waking hour of every day for our children. Well, I say “we,” but “we” actually doesn’t include “me.” We take their afternoons away and send them off to practice something an adult made up, when they’re supposed to be using their own minds to create their own universe. We take their summers away and send them to this camp and that camp. We takes their games away and give them long lists of rules we’ve made up.
We assign chores and sports and homework until it comes out their ears, and we never let them just be kids.
They need structure, yes, and they need to learn to recognize the value of doing what needs to be done even when you don’t want to, but they also need time to be kids.
Being alone in the house isn’t necessarily a good thing, and it certainly shouldn’t be what it takes for a boy to be able to relax and look inward.
Sorry. Rant over.
Levi
@LeviMontgomery
Wonderful piece Winslow, I love the simplicity of such a small task…Doing “NOTHING” builds creativity & imagination. Perhaps in the future I’ll require some ‘nothing’ time from my kids & try to get some myself!
Thanks opening my eyes.
wow. great feedback to your friend. i have to say something about the pat where you said she “likes control’.
let’s define control here. kids want to feel secure. they feel secure when we feel secure. when we, as parents, are in our power. to be truly in a place of power means NOT that we are in control so much as that we aer powerful enough to be in partnership with our kids.
i’d love to see your friend move out of her comfort zone here and take the opportunity to admit (to herself and her child) that she does not control her son. at her highest and best, she is loving him and supporting him as he developes along his path. knowing and loving our kids so they can better come to know and love themselves. this, for me, is parenting.
it’s a neat thing to be able to apologize to ones kids. teaches them we don’t always need to be right… thus neither do they 🙂 lots of freedom there, ya know? not having to always be right.
thank you for sharing this. so glad you didn’t take the easy/checked out friend/say the nice thing route!!! your friend is lucky to have you in her life… a friend who pushes her to grow… who tells it like it is. these are the friends i like to surround myself with!
blessings,
@zenmommy