Stillness 9-1: In the west, we tend to use the word “hello” all the time. “Hello” is actually an Americanism from the western frontier days, a spin-off from the British “hullo!”—which was more of a shout to draw attention. For example, if you were a ferryman and you wanted to throw a rope to someone on the shore, you’d shout, “Hullo!”
In the wild west of North America, travelers would approach a pioneer dwelling and call out: “Hello, the house!” It was sort of like ringing the doorbell. Then the telephone was invented, and although Alexander Bell wanted operators’ phone greeting to be “ahoy,” he was overruled, and the word “hello” became standard in the United States.
I’ve always liked the sound of “hello,” mostly because it reminds me of the word “aloha.” But aloha has a very different energy to the doorbell-ring of hello. Aloha means means love, and when I went to live in Hawai’i, I learned even more about this magical word: it’s actually an ancient huna word that inspires love and joy in the person to whom it is spoken. Beyond its expression of love, it implies being unconditionally happy with the one we’re with. It means enjoying being together, feeling good about being together. Now I think it is one of the most beautiful words in the world.
There is no place for criticism, judgment, or blame in a relationship that is filled with aloha. The word itself reminds us that we’re all young children in our hearts—we all just want to be loved, and to be allowed to love without fear of condemnation or hurt or betrayal.
The unhappiness that occurs in relationships of all kinds usually comes from one source: our expectations of the other person. We want them to be different than the way they are. We want to improve them. Or we want them to share our values. Or to care about what we care about. Or to meet our needs.
The secret is not to resign ourselves to someone else’s perceived shortcomings, but to accept the one we love as they truly are and to love that.
So, if you want to be happy, the first thing you need to do is accept a person as being who they are, not as you wish they were.
The second thing is to love them unconditionally, without wishing they were different, or they loved you better, or any differently, than they already do.
And if the person you’re with is you, be grateful for and happy with yourself. There’s no one better to enjoy life with.