It’s true that language is a fabulous development and extremely useful and enjoyable. It’s also fraught with all its shadows like misunderstanding, miscommunication, and over- and under-use. When we talk to animals, babies, people who are dying, or those we love dearly, it’s usually in a voice of sound rather than words. We use tone and vibration rather than meaning. In long-term relationships we sometimes forget that. We tend to want to know what our partner or child or best friend is thinking about. We like to get intelligent and coherent responses so that we know we’ve been heard. We want to feel we’re on the same path, or that the other person is interested in us for our thoughts and deeds not just because we’re around. We don’t like feeling like a plant in someone’s life—we like being part of a union of growth and emotional connection. But language isn’t always the way to become closer. Telling someone how we feel if we’ve been angered or hurt doesn’t necessarily bring the other person closer—the reverse, usually. They get defensive and hurt and don’t want to talk about it. Instead, try humming a song or giving a hug without expecting one in return and see how all chilliness dissolves. Try assuming that you don’t have to be on a spiritual, physical, or mental path together—that actually you’re two individuals who happen to have found each other and love each other. Let each of you be who you are. Sometimes your conversations are vibrant and interesting but silence can be just as vibrant and interesting. Sometimes you’ll share an experience but you’ll have just as many or more on your own or with other people. You aren’t responsible for each other’s happiness—you’re only responsible for your own. Stop thinking that language is the way into each other’s hearts and understanding. Usually what you want to say to the other person you really want to say to yourself.
